Someday You Will be Loved
by minion99
Summary: Sara says something unexpected on stage and embarrasses not only herself but her sister and her bandmates. Her slip of the tongue could lead to much bigger repercussions.
1. Chapter 1

An awkward silence filled the air backstage after Sara had dropped the 'M-word' on stage multiple times that night. The boys seemed to struggle with making eye contact with Sara.

Masturbating wasn't something you really talked about on a tour bus. Clearly, it was something everyone needed to do more of and felt like they couldn't. Even if you were brave enough to try while others were asleep, the slightest noise could freeze you in your tracks. And privacy on the bus was a joke. At any moment, someone was likely to rip the curtain of your bunk back and reveal anything and everything you might have felt comfortable attempting a few seconds before. It seemed everyone was struggling with this unspoken problem.

Sara sighs loudly, clearly annoyed as she sat down at the table once on the bus. Tegan boarded to find her sister arms crossed and staring out the window into the dark. Tegan paused at the table and gave Sara a long look.

"Why did you have to say that? On stage? More than once?" she asked, feeling her cheeks redden as the words came out. "That was really embarrassing, Sara."

"Sorry to embarrass you," she said not turning her gaze from the darkness outside, "not everyone feels comfortable getting them self off on a bus with other people." Tegan narrowed her eyes. "Clearly, it doesn't bother you, though." Tegan's cheeks grew hot again.

"What are you implying, Sara?" Sara smirked, still gazing out the window.

"From the color of your face, you know exactly what I'm implying." Sara whipped her head around quickly to match her twins hateful glare. How did she know? Lately, getting off had become a regular nightly habit whether on the bus or in a hotel room. She didn't even really know why but she'd been completely insatiable.

Sara's eyes drilled holes right through her skull and Tegan felt overexposed immediately. Of course Sara knew. They were twins. She knew everything without saying a word. She felt herself become angry.

"Oh yeah," Tegan snapped, "And how do you know what I do?"

"First," Sara spoke in an eerily calm voice, "We're twins and I feel what you feel, in case you forgot. Furthermore, I can tell by the change in your breathing. You never make a sound but I can hear your breath quicken and then you get really quiet. Your breath hitches just as you're about to cum and I can tell your teeth are clenched. I can hear the sheets as you grabbed them up in your hands." Sara paused, "Should I continue?"

"No...just...no," Tegan said flatly, cheeks really flushed now. She walked away quickly and laid in her bunk. Her heart was racing and she felt hot. And sick. She suddenly felt like she needed to throw up. She rolled onto her side and curled up against the wall of the bunk. Damn it, if she wasn't wet again already. This was becoming too much. Maybe it was loneliness. Maybe it was boredom. She wasn't sure, but she felt irritated by the fact that she hadn't been more prudent. She wondered if she just breathed loudly or if Sara was purposefully listening to her all those late nights.

Sara didn't leave her post at the table until they reached the hotel a few minutes later. She grabbed her bag and her water and headed to her room. Once inside, she tossed her stuff on the floor and laid out across the bed. Normally, she'd read to unwind after the show but not tonight. She didn't have the patience for reading tonight. She felt hot. She felt needy. She felt lonely.

Laying there, she kicked off her shoes and let her mind run over the days events. Things had been fairly uneventful until mid-afternoon. They had boarded the bus to head to sound check and afterwards grabbed a late lunch/early dinner before everyone caught a pre-show nap on the bus. Well, almost everyone. She herself had still been awake. She had wanted to nap too but decided that taking a sleeping pill that close to show time would have been a disaster, so she had settled for laying in her bunk with her eyes closed and attempted to will herself to sleep.

She had been fairly close to achieving her goal when she'd heard a rustle from the bunk across from her. She had listened, ears straining. The air had been silent except for the sounds of soft breathing-in and out, in and out. Tegan had been awake too it seemed. More rustling. Was that the sound of a zipper? Was Tegan seriously...? Sara couldn't have been sure at first. Usually, late at night when she suspected Tegan was doing, well, _that_ - she would roll over and put her head phones on and block it out.

Today, however she hadn't moved. She'd laid still, listening to Tegan's breathing quickening. She'd heard the sheets crinkle and imagined Tegan's fingers wrapped in them, gripping them tightly as she got closer to finishing. Sara had flushed hard immediately at the thought and questioned why she had been listening in.

She had felt an all too familiar ache inside of herself, a need she hadn't had met in quite some time. She heard Tegan suck in a breath and Sara jumped, as if she had been caught in her fantasy world. The air was tense for a moment and she had envisioned her sister, her twin, flushed with drops of sweat forming along her brow. Sara was positive her skin was on fire at that point. Tegan had finally exhaled, slowly, and a few seconds later Sara heard the zipper again, going back up this time she presumed.

An hour before show time the bus was rustling with activity again. Sara had slid out of her bunk thankful for the few minutes of sleep she did manage to get. Tegan was on the couch, putting her shoes on when Sara caught her eye. Tegan smiled. Sara felt her cheeks go red again.

"Hi," she said as casually as possible.

"Hey," Tegan responded, not seeming to notice the flush that had crept into Sara's cheeks. Tegan stood up after her shoes were on and started to walk away, but quickly glanced back at Sara.

"Are you ok?" she'd asked cautiously, raising an eyebrow. Okay, maybe she did notice the flush, "Do you have a fever? Are you sick?" _Sick_? Yes, she felt like she could say yes to that one. Fever? Possibly, her skin did prickle like she'd been outside too long.

"I'm fine," she lied with a halfhearted smile. At that moment, Tegan had stepped towards her and wrapped her arms around Sara unexpectedly. Sara was startled a bit. She was still getting used Tegan's new found physical affection. Sara hugged back loosely mind wondering what was going on and why she was feeling so weird today.

They had played the show uneventfully, but Sara felt off and awkward. Then came her famous 'm- word' statement. How had she got on that topic when all she was trying to do was explain what it was like listening to their old demos? She loved Tegan's voice and would often listen to "Tegan's Songs". She embarrassed herself and her sister with her comments. She felt guilty for it. And she felt angered that she couldn't seem to express how she felt these days without it coming out all wrong. But what was it she felt, exactly? She didn't know. And she didn't want to find out tonight.

Sara reached for her bag and grabbed her bottle of sleeping pills and took two before shutting off the light.

Tegan was the last off the bus and was in no hurry to get to her room down the hall from Sara's. She walked slowly, letting her mind wander to the comments Sara made on stage tonight. She wasn't sure what brought it on, or why, but she felt like it had something to do with her.


	2. Chapter 2

Tegan wakes up when her phone alarm sounds the next morning at six. She checks for missed texts on her phone. None. She was half expecting Sara to text her an apology for the debacle on stage but there was nothing.

By ten minutes to seven she was outside at the bus, prepared for the next few days of travel. The guys slowly made their way onto the bus with pajamas still on and sleep in their eyes. Tegan glanced at her phone. It was now a quarter after seven and nobody had seen Sara yet.

Tegan quickly held down Sara's speed dial number and waited for the frantic 'be there in five' that Sara usually delivered when she was late getting to the bus. It went straight to voicemail. She put the phone down, slightly annoyed and a little worried.

"Hey, Ted I'm going to check and make sure Sara is up," Tegan said motioning back to the hotel. He nodded and Tegan hopped off the bus.

Inside the hotel, she makes her way back up to the third floor where she and the band spent the night. She knocked lightly on the door to room 319.

"Sara? Sara, it's almost 7:30! We have to go!" She listened for a response. Nothing. She tried knocking harder. "Sara! Come on!"

Her annoyance turned to panic in a split second and she rushed down the hall and ran past the elevators and into the stairwell. She jogged down three flights and swung out into the lobby and sprinted to the front desk.

"I need to see the manager, please," she said trying her best not to sound out of breath.

"Is there a problem," the young girl asked politely.

"Maybe, I don't know," she said looking around, "Is there a manager available? Please?" The girl looked confused but stepped into a nearby office and emerged with an older gentleman.

"Hi," Tegan said, attempting a smile, "My band and I stayed here last night and my sister, who is also my band mate, is still in her room upstairs. She's not answering her door and I'm worried." He seemed hesitant but offered to go up again with Tegan. They rode up the three floors in an awkward silence. He studied Tegan's worried face, and glanced over her tattoos briefly.

As the bell dinged for the third floor, they exited left and stopped at 319. Tegan knocked harder this time and they both listened. The gentleman asked her to try calling the hotel room phone instead, so she slipped her phone out and dialed the numbers he called to her. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Messaging service.

"Damn it!" Tegan sounded exasperated. The gentleman looked at her again and took his master key off of his belt loop and slipped it in the door.

"Thank you! Thank you, really," Tegan gushed as he turned to walk down the hall.

Tegan slowly opened the door and peeked her head around. The room was dark still. Sara was still in bed. Tegan crept close enough to assure herself that Sara was still breathing and heaved a sigh of relief when she saw her chest rise and fall.

"You worry the shit out of me, you know that Sa-Sa?" she whispered with a small smile across her lips.

Sara was sleeping soundly in the bed, still in her clothes from last night. Tegan put a hand on her hip and jostled her a bit, annoyed that she was so worried and even more annoyed that her sister is constantly doing things to make her stress like this.

Sara doesn't move. Tegan sees the bottle of sleeping pills on the night table. She sighs. Looks around and gathers up Sara's few belongings and calls Ted for assistance.

"Want me to carry her?" he asks quietly.

"No, I got her. It's okay," she says kneeling by the bed. Tegan slowly turns Sara over and slips an arm under her back and the other under her legs. She is surprised how easily she can lift her small frame off the bed. Tegan reminds herself to scold Sara for this when she wakes up and maybe make her eat a big meal.

Once on the bus Tegan lays her sister out on the couch in the common area and busies herself getting her a blanket and a pillow while the other members climb on board for a two day drive to the next town.

Sara sleeps soundly seeming un-phased by being moved from her hotel bed. The older sister sits close enough to stroke her hair absently as she slips on her headphones and drifts off, not quite asleep, but not quite awake.

Just an hour or so into the drive, Tegan is fully asleep, both the slow hum of the bus on asphalt and the restless night she had finally getting to her. Sara awakes slowly, and is groggy. She smiles a bit at seeing her sister with her head back against the couch, headphones on, eyes close and mouth hanging open in deep slumber. Sara feels a pang of guilt because she knows she didn't get on this bus by herself.

The other band members had already grown tired of Sara's worrisome behaviors of sleeping pills, bottles of wine and her lack of interaction with everyone.

"_I used to be so fun_," she thinks to herself.

She is grateful to her sister because, although Tegan got mad at her, she still cared about her and it showed. She sat up slowly, in her post sleeping pill haze and gave her sisters hand a small squeeze before retreating to her bunk.

A few more hours pass quietly with the rumble of the engine and a few softly chattering voices in the distance. Tegan wakes up, and feels immediately panicked when Sara isn't still sleeping next to her. She looks around frantically and determines the bus is still moving and she couldn't have gone far. She moves toward the bunks listens outside of her sister's space for a moment. She breathes a sigh of relief at the soft sounds of the rhythmic breathing of slumber.

The bus rolls to a stop at a convenience store and gas station.

"Pit stop. Thirty minutes!" the driver tells everyone. Everyone shuffles off the bus into the store for various items. Tegan slowly pulls back the curtain of Sara's bunk and places a hand on her shoulder.

"Sara... Sara, we're making a pit stop. Do you need anything?"

"Hmm...," she mumbles, eyes fluttering open only slightly.

"Pit stop. Need anything?" Tegan repeats softly.

"I need a lot of things," Sara replies dryly, "Sadly they aren't available in a gas station."

Tegan exhales, exasperated, and turns to exit the bus, hands shoved deep in her pockets.

Inside Tegan buys a canned iced coffee drink and a prepackaged muffin that she hopes she won't regret later. She pauses for a moment in front of the candy section and grabs a bag of sour gummy worms-Sara's favorite. Back on the bus she tucks them into her bag for later.

The older sibling stays awake, reading and sipping her coffee at the table. The boys had finally emerged and were watching TV. She figures Sara must still be sleeping.

She thinks for a second about the items she gathered from Sara's room this morning and looks at her sisters bag on the floor near the couch. She wonders briefly if Sara is still keeping a diary. Telling herself it's wrong to be so curious but reminds herself that her sister is fragile and it would only be to help her. She decides to let it go. She just wants to get to the next venue, and get through the show without any issues.


	3. Chapter 3

The bus pulled into the venue early and everyone scrambled to gather their items for a shower. Rob called first dibs on shower, Ted second, Tegan third. Everyone else was on their own.

Tegan spent the next few minutes passing the time by digging through her bags for a clean pair of jeans and underwear. She really hoped this venue might have a laundry facility; she wasn't sure if she could make it another day to the hotel. Successfully having found a pair of jeans and some clean (well she really hoped) underwear, she waiting in the dressing room for Ted to finish his shower.

Ted appeared, toweling off his wet hair, "it's all yours, Tee."

"Sweet, I feel pretty gross," she says moving past him. Inside the small bathroom she turns on the tap, testing it with her hand until it reaches an acceptable temperature. Shedding her clothes, she drops them on the floor and hangs a towel on the door knob before finally stepping into the water. Her eyes close as the water sprays over her head, soaking her hair and running down her back. She begins to feel her tense muscles relax slowly.

"Where's Teeg," Sara asks, venturing in with a bag on her shoulder. She didn't get much of a response other than a head shake. "Alright, where is the bathroom?"

Rob motions down the hall, "at the end on the left there."

Sara nods thanking him before heading down the hall way. She walks briskly down the hallway anxious to shower and shake some of the post-sleeping pill haze she'd been in. Sara pauses outside the bathroom and listens for sounds but doesn't hear anything. She knocks twice with no answer.

"_All mine_," she thinks as she begins to twist the knob.

Sara's heart nearly jumps out of her chest when she sees Tegan, naked and wet, eyes closed under the spray. Tegan clearly did not hear her knock or hear her come in. Her eyes stayed shut as she ran her hands over her short hair and shook her head slightly.

Sara felt her mouth fall open slightly. Sure they were twins, and they were "identical" but Tegan's body was different. Her shape was fuller, she seemed softer and almost sweeter. She had curves in places Sara definitely didn't and Sara noticed only then that her sister definitely had more of an ass on her.

Just as Sara was looking Tegan over for the third or fourth time in the few seconds she'd been there, Tegan's eyes fluttered open and Sara was greeted with a shriek.

"What the fucking fuck, Sara?!" Tegan shouted, frantically trying to cover herself with just her arms. Sara swallowed her embarrassment at checking her sister out and looked pointedly at the wall to her right.

"I knocked. Twice."

Tegan stared at her in disbelief. "Well, clearly I'm in here, you can exit now and come back later, thank you!"

Sara, annoyed by her sister's tone, instead of leaving begins to put her things down on a shelf and walks over to the fogged up bathroom mirror.

"Sara. Leave. Now."

Sara shook her head, "No, I'm not leaving. We're twins. We have the same body parts, Tegan. It's not like I've never seen you naked, ya know."

Sara proceeds to unpack her toiletry bag and brush her teeth, pausing to re-wipe the mirror between spits. Tegan could see that Sara was choosing to be extremely stubborn, as she could be at times, and didn't push the issue much further. Instead, she just spun around and faced the shower wall leaving just her backside facing her obnoxious sibling.

She glances over at Tegan's ass once more and smirked, "Tegan, yo fit!" She loved saying that to her sister ever since a fan shouted it at a show. It was her favorite thing to say when Tegan looked nice or was getting attention from people. She knew it made her sister laugh and it worked this time too.

Sara heard a small giggle come from the shower stall and she couldn't help but grin. She paused for a second and thought twice about saying it, but decided not to filter herself.

"No, I'm serious. You've got a really nice ass." Tegan looked over her shoulder at Sara half amused and maybe a little disturbed that her twin had been checking her out. Then she glanced down at her backside and just shrugged.

"Yeah... I suppose I do. Thanks for noticing."

"So, are you going to hurry up or am I going to have to share the shower with you," Sara asked in a mock tone of annoyance. Tegan didn't believe her sister would actually share with her. In fact, she was willing to bet Sara would end up making a pouty face and whining for her to hurry the fuck up. She was so cute when she pouted and batted her eyelashes.

"Oh, I'm in no hurry. I smelled horrible," Tegan said, stretching languidly under the spray as if to demonstrate her point.

"Oh is that so?"

She nodded. Not far from the truth, she thought. Tegan turned and put her face under the spray of hot water, expecting to open her eyes and find Sara sitting on the toilet, pissed off about waiting. Instead, she spun around to find Sara slipping into the shower stall next to her completely naked. Tegan didn't mean to, but her eyes glanced quickly over her sister's body once...okay, no twice before asking her what the hell she was doing.

"I'm showering," the younger sister responded, "Duh. We used to do this all the time as kids."

"True, but Sara...we're nearing thirty now. Don't you think this is odd? Just a little?"

"No," she said curtly, "Do you?"

Tegan raised an eyebrow, "Yeah... I do." She paused, "But you smell, so I'm gonna let it pass this once."

"Gee, thanks. Can you pass me the shower gel please?" Sara asked with her hand out. Tegan leaned over to get it and felt Sara's eyes on her. Tegan's face flushed, more because she felt a surge of adrenaline and less because the water was really hot.

Tegan hands over the shower gel and steps out of the way to let Sara get wet. She meant to turn the other direction and start shaving her legs but didn't. Her sister was gorgeous. Her body was leaner than Tegan's frame, her features seemed more angular and her bones seem to come right out of her. She hadn't realized how thin her sister had gotten and it made her heart sink a little.

"Sara, do you even eat anymore? You are getting so tiny it's ridiculous," she asked as she ran the razor up her leg.

"You mean food?" Sara quipped, "I eat food. Plenty. Although, these days I'd trade real food for pussy."

The razor slips out of her hand and hits the tile with a clang.

"Shit," she mumbled, picking it up quickly and focusing in on her leg in hopes Sara wouldn't notice the flush of her cheeks. "I know the feeling..."

Sara turned under the shower head, rinsing the shampoo from her hair and watched Tegan doing a very poor job of shaving her right leg.

"You might want to get down there," Sara said motioning in a circle around her crotch, "You got a little something going on there."

Tegan's eyes snapped up, "No thank you. That's uncomfortable." She glanced at her sister, completely hairless and smooth.

"I don't know how you stand it, doesn't it make you itchy?" Tegan's face screws up at the idea.

Sara shrugged, "You get used to it, I guess. I dunno. Emy liked it."

"Ugh, I do not need to know," Tegan said flatly.

Sara paused for a moment, eyes focused on the tile flooring of the shower stall. "I miss her a lot."

Tegan hated seeing what Emy had done to Sara. Every mention of the girls name sent her into over-protective mode and she felt like hiding Sara away until she was strong enough to attempt another relationship.

"I'm sorry, Sara. I know you do, but...you're okay right?" Sara nodded, unconvincingly. She gave her hair another quick rinse and stepped out of the stall.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she said as she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself quickly.

"What do you mean?" Tegan asked, pausing again with her shaving. She rinsed the razor, this was hopeless. She can't focus enough to shave her own leg. Maybe tomorrow.

"I'm sorry I barged in on you, Tee," Sara looked like a lost puppy with her downcast eyes and her wet hair, "I'm gonna go get dressed in the other shower room."

"Okay...," Tegan's voice trailed off, confused at what just happened. _Motherfucker_. There was another shower?! Seriously, sometimes the things her sister did made absolutely no sense. She snatched her towel off the rack and wrapped herself up in it and hurried herself into her clothes.

Tegan didn't see Sara again until just before going on stage.

"You okay?" she asked, uncertain of what all had really happened in Sara's head in the bathroom.

Sara nodded, "Fine. I'm fine."

A lie. Tegan knew it. She always knew it. Sara couldn't hide much from her. But she let it go since it was literally seconds to showtime and they couldn't afford a big fight right now.

The show that night was tame with little banter back and forth. Tegan attempted keeping the crowd engaged and even did her best to bring Sara into the mix as much as possible, but Sara hid behind her bangs and her Les Paul.

She didn't miss any chords or stumble over any lyrics, but Sara's head was not in the game. She was lost, in her own mind, in memories and in confusion over why she'd wanted to shower with her sister. Occasionally, Tegan would glance up and notice Sara making a face- either appearing to be on the verge of tears or grimacing, as if she were in pain.

They wrapped the show and exited the building quietly. Back on the bus, Sara retreated to her bunk immediately without saying a word. Tegan was hopeful she'd emerge eventually and she could question her twin about her behavior and if she was really alright. Two hours later, she decided to call it a night and gave up hope. She dressed in her pajama pants and an old t-shirt and climbed into her bunk.

Tegan lay there staring up at the ceiling that was only inches away from her face. She worried about Sara constantly these days. She was pretty sure Sara didn't even have a clue as to how much Tegan worried about her. At times, Sara would even accuse Tegan of 'not caring' or being 'heartless' because she never showed much outward emotion, but inside Tegan was a mess too.

Her heart hurt for her sister's painful breakup. Her heart hurt for Sara's struggle with depression and anxiety. She just wanted her to be better, to feel better, to be fixed. Tonight her spell of nightly self exploration was broken. She sighed and reached for her iPod. She wanted a song for Sara tonight. She scrolled down to Missy Higgins and selected "_Nightminds_" as she shifted herself into a comfortable position. The words rang all too true in her ears as she drifted to sleep...

_Just lay it all down._

_Put your face into my neck and let it fall out._

_I know, I know, I know._

_I knew before you got home._

_This world you're in now,_

_it doesn't have to be alone,A_

_I'll get there somehow, 'cos_

_I know I know I know_

_when, even springtime feels cold._


	4. Chapter 4

Sara keeps to herself for the next day. Anytime the bus stopped, she purposely leaves-for coffee, for a walk, for a snack when she isn't even hungry- anything to keep her from seeing Tegan. It was incredibly hard to manage in such a small space, especially with several other people added to the mix. Sara had become pretty skilled at avoiding interaction in the last few months, in fact, sometimes she felt she was too good and it made her feel lonely on a bus full of people.

Tegan slipped out of her bunk mid-morning the next day, after untangling her headphones from her body where she'd fallen asleep. She listened for the sound of Sara inside her bunk.

"She went out for coffee," Rob said, his head pointing to the open door of the bus.

"Oh, right," Tegan mumbled, "Thanks. Hi Rob."

"Hi, Tegan," he gave her a small smile and walked passed her out the door. Tegan grabbed some clothes and went to the back room they used mostly for a dressing room and changed. Exiting the bus she heads into the nearby gas station and buys a pack of Camel Lights. She hasn't smoked in months, but she's feeling extremely stressed by her sister's behavior lately. Walking down the isles she passes a selection of gummy worms, gummy bears, and gummy O's and she remembers the sour gummy worms she'd bought for Sara last time they stopped. She'd forgotten to give them to her in all the awkwardness that took place and makes a mental note to give them to her soon.

Outside, she slides her sunglasses off her head and down over her eyes. She smacks the pack of cigarettes against the palm of her hand a few times before opening them. Slipping one out of the pack, she walks toward the back of the bus. The less likely Sara is to see her smoking, the less chance Tegan will have to endure a lecture. She wasn't in the mood for it today.

She nestles herself against the bumper and lights her cigarette, taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly. _Yes, much needed after these few days_. She figures they have a few more hours before getting to the next city stop, where they'd check into a hotel and play two shows there back to back before moving onward. What city were they in? She isn't sure. It seems small.

The convenience store looks like a vintage photograph with its hazy filtered light and dilapidated structures nearby. After awhile, the cities all began to look the same. They felt the same. Big cities could become claustrophobic when things were tense between her and Sara and small towns could feel enormous and empty when she felt lonely and left out. She sighs and flicks her her ashes off to the side before resting her head on the back of the bus.

Sara slips cautiously back onto the bus, keeping a shaded eye out for Tegan. Back in the safety of her bunk, she attempts reading her newest book but finds herself staring at the page for several minutes, focusing on the same sentence over and over. She sighs, closing the book and opting to slip on her headphones. Hoping to lose herself in the music of someone else for a little while her fingers drifted lazily across the touch interface and she taps the shuffle button. The music comes through with a tapping drum and a bluegrass sounding guitar.

_It's hard to let the miles pass me by,_

_yellow lines that blend together in my eyes,_

_and when the seasons change again, then I will too,_

_but I just wanna be closer to you..._

Her finger twitched to hit the skip button but she hesitates and aborts the action. Instead, she closes her eyes and rests her hands across her stomach.

Tegan finishes her cigarette and boards the bus as the others were strolling up. Once on the bus, Tegan joins everyone else in the common area, watching some mindless TV show. She doesn't even notice when the buzz of the TV is drowned out by the sound of her own thoughts.

_Poor Sara. Little Sara. Lost Sara. _Tegan knew something was amiss. She just wants to hold her sister close and suffer the pains of whatever she was feeling and not sharing. In the last year, Tegan couldn't help but slowly take down her walls around Sara. She was more open, more engaged, and more physical. Up until the last year or so, they'd shared a strict no touching rule. Now, Tegan couldn't even remember why they'd felt so harshly towards touching each other, even just for a hug. She enjoyed touching Sara-her skin was soft, her hugs were soothing and with each embrace Tegan felt like their bond grew a little more. If she'd known all this could be achieved by a simple hug, she'd have never embraced the no touching rule in the first place.

At the hotel, Sara is the last off the bus as it was the only way to ensure no Tegan encounters. She wonders absently if Tegan had even noticed they hadn't spoken today. She picks up her key to her hotel room- most likely across or down the hall from her sister. Sometimes she really wants to request to be on the opposite side of the building, or on the floor the furthest away. She never does, though. She wants distance, but when she had it, she misses her sister. And when she misses her sister, she thought of her. A lot. It frustrated her that even her thoughts seemed to be shared with Tegan.

Sara glanced around the generic room. It was nothing special. Just a room, with a bed, a night table and lamps with weird on/off switches. She sat down on the bed and opened the faux leather booklet laying on it. A few minutes later, she'd ordered a bottle of red wine and a turkey sandwich. Fuck Tegan for thinking she didn't eat. _Okay, okay no_. She let out a sound of frustration and told herself tonight, she would not think about Tegan at all. Not once.

The room service is delivered in a matter of minutes and she quickly consumes the sandwich, surprised at how hungry she was. It wasn't the best she'd ever had, but she seems to settle for mediocre a lot these days.

She sits still for a moment, on the edge of the bed, staring at no place in particular on the wall. A moment later, she decides to slip into her bathrobe, have a glass of wine and then take a bath. Tonight was a Tegan-free night, and she was going to enjoy. _Shit._ Except for that one thought. _Okay, Tegan-free going forward_.

Tegan slipped her room key into the lock and let herself in. She didn't bother to look around. The rooms are just like the cities, they blend together into a collage of overly starched sheets, stale coffee and mini shampoos. She dropped her bags onto the couch, kicked off her shoes and flopped onto the bed, relishing in the open space.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check for messages. Nothing. She thought about texting Sara, since they hadn't talked all day. In fact, she hadn't even seen her twin all day. The last time she saw her twin, they'd just shared an awkward shower in a venue facility and Sara ended it mumbling and stammering her way out of the bathroom, apologizing. Tegan was confused and desperately wanted contact with her sister. She just needed to know what was going through her head. She set her phone on the night table, opting not to text the younger sibling. If Sara was avoiding her, then it would probably make the situation worse. Instead, she flipped on the air conditioner, turned on the TV and settled in for a night alone.

Sara's evening in had been a struggle so far. She wanted a night without her brain being wrought with thoughts of Tegan-Tegan's thoughts, Tegan's feelings, Tegan's wants, Tegan's needs, it was like she couldn't escape her. She felt certain she did not resonate so loudly in her sister's head day in and day out.

She finished her first glass of wine and poured another as she turned on the tap and let the decently sized tub fill up. She slipped out of her robe , rested her glass on the edge of the tub and slides slowly into the steaming water.

The water was too warm, but she relished it. It burned her skin and she almost hoped it would burn every thought of her sister out of her mind. She relaxed slowly against the cold side of the tub, sinking just low enough to bring the water up to her chest. She exhaled and thought of the last time she'd attempted a relaxing bath while on tour.

It had been quite some time ago, back when she and Tegan shared hotel rooms. Tegan had said goodbye and gone out for coffee and to sight see with the other band members and Sara didn't expect her back for awhile. So, she had set down in a bath, in a bathroom similar to this one, and put on some Alicia Keys and let herself go. Her hands had slid down in the tub, down her body, between her legs and found their way around in a way they hadn't almost all tour. Her eyes had been closed, her forehead damp with sweat, her wrist cramping from her furious actions and about the time she'd gripped the edge of the tub, on the verge of her orgasm-Tegan had slipped through the door quietly.

Sara hadn't noticed immediately and didn't know she was being watched. Her orgasm rippled through her body in electric waves and her eyes opened slowly. Her heart immediately shot up into her throat and she felt sick. Tegan had stared at her, speechless, her teeth chewing on the left side of her lip.

"I.., um, I... I didn't know you were in here...," Tegan had stammered, looking at the floor, cheeks red, "I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go. Sorry. Sorry Sara."

Sara's heart had been racing, her body still alert and excited from the pleasure and she couldn't utter a sound.

_Well, fuck._ There went her Tegan -free night. She took a large sip of her wine. Maybe for every Tegan thought she had, she'd have another sip. Eventually, she was bound to have at least a few minutes without thinking of her twin.


	5. Chapter 5

Tegan awoke the next morning and blinked at the bright light shining through the cheap drapery. Her stomach rumbled and she glanced down at it and smacked it lazily. She'd forgotten to eat dinner. Apparently, she'd forgotten to put on her pajamas too-she was in yesterday's clothes, minus her red Converse.

She rolled over and grabbed her phone and sent Sara a message.

| 8:02am:_ I'm hungry._

She paused before starting over.

| 8:03am: _I'm starving. Are you up? Wanna get breakfast?_

She hit send and lay in bed for another minute or two before slowly dragging herself up. Tegan saunters into the bathroom and rummaged through her bag for her toothbrush. She brushed her teeth, staring down her reflection in the mirror. Sometimes it really baffled her that there was someone that looked identical to her. Aside from teeny, tiny little subtleties, her twin really was absolutely identical.

She finished brushing and leaned over to rinse. As she did so, she caught a glimpse of cleavage down her v-neck shirt and paused for a second. Standing up fully, she turned to the side and threw a glance down her back. She laughed a little to herself at Sara thinking she had a nice ass. She didn't feel like it looked any different from Sara's, in all honesty.

After sticking her head in the sink and giving her hair a quick cleaning, she checked her phone for a response from her sister. Nothing.

"_Maybe she's still asleep_," she thought, digging through her bags for a pair of black skinny jeans and her favorite plaid shirt. She dressed, slipped on her shoes and threw her sunglasses atop her head. She grabbed two hotel keys from the desk and shoved them into her back pocket, along with her wallet and made her way for the door. Tegan paused at the full size mirror on the back of the door and straightened up her shirt and patted her hair down in the back. A closer lean towards the glass showed the circles forming under her eyes.

"Ugh, I look like shit," she mumbled aloud to herself. With a huff, she walked back to the bathroom and dug around in her toiletry bag. She wasn't much for wearing make up on a day to day basis, but she just didn't want her sister to see how rough she looked today. She dotted on some tinted moisturizer underneath her eyes and swiped a quick line of black eyeliner across the top of her lids and headed for the door again. Once more, she turned around and went back to her bag where she dug out the gummy worms she'd bought for Sara a few days ago.

Down the hall, she tapped on Sara's door lightly at first and then louder. No answer. After her panic about the other day's incident when Sara didn't answer, she'd prepared for this. When she checked in, she asked for Sara's room number and come back an hour later to ask for an additional key for Sara's room-as Sara. The young clerk didn't seem to notice her hair was different than the original Sara that checked in an hour ago. Sometimes being a twin had its advantages.

She slipped the other key out of her pocket and swiped it and peeked inside before entering.

"Sara?" She paused and quietly shut the door. "Sara? You here?"

The bed was still made. But Sara's wallet and room key were on the desk next to the bed. She glanced at the closed bathroom door and her palms began to sweat. She'd made the mistake of barging in on Sara in the bath before and got quite the surprise while doing so-she wouldn't be doing that today. Instead, she stood still outside the door listening for water or splashing sounds. She didn't hear anything.

She knocked lightly, "Sara? It's Tegan...," her voice trailed off. No sound. Grabbing the knob, she turned it slowly, looking down at the floor just in case there were any surprises on the other side of the door.

The surprise she found was Sara slumped over on the white tile floor, in a stark white bath robe. She stepped closer."Sara?" she tried not to sound as frantic and scared as she felt. The closer she got to her sister, the more she could see that there were small red drops on the tile floor nearby.

Blood. That had to be blood. Her stomach twisted in knots and she dropped to her knees, tossing the gummy worms carelessly on the floor. Her hands grabbed at her sister's shoulders, "Sara!"

She shook her roughly and felt her skin. She was warm, very warm. Tegan's eyes shout around the room for a sign, some sort of explanation of what had happened. On the other side of her limp sister was a bottle of wine and an empty glass.

With one arm around her sister, she leaned over and grabbed the bottle. Empty. Red Wine. She glanced back at the droplets on the floor and determined they were splashes of wine, and not blood. Relieved, she looked back down at her sister. Sara had consumed the entire bottle. She was passed out drunk. Tegan turned her sister's head towards her body and gave her a hard slap on her cheek. Sara's eyes jumped open and she stared, pupils shrinking in the harsh light as they tried to focus.

"Tegan!" Sara slurred with a smile, "Hi Tegan."

"Hi, asshole," she replied trying to sit her sister up against the edge of the tub.

"Sara, are you drunk?"

"No, Tee Tee I didn't drink that much," she said before letting out a giggle.

"Sara! You drank the whole bottle!" her voice was louder, but not very harsh. Sara looked confused.

"Sit right there, I'm gonna grab you some water, okay," she said, leaving her sister for a split second to grab a cup from the counter and fill it with cool water. "Drink this," she said quietly, handing it over.

A while later (Tegan felt sure the crew were wondering what the hell was taking so long), Sara was sitting against the tub having consumed three glasses of water and two aspirin; she looked down at the floor and remained quiet. Tegan sat next to her, their thighs and shoulders touching-Sara still only in her robe, only two layers of fabric between them.

"Sara, what's going on?" Tegan looked imploringly at her sister, her eyes searching the younger girls face for an answer. None came. Sara stared blankly at space on the floor as if her mind was somewhere else entirely.

"I don't know," was the slow, calculated response. Tegan could go the harsh route and call her twin on the bullshit and potentially upset her even more, or she could be patient and hope that if she asked the right questions, she'd get the truth.

"Did I do something?" she asked in a small voice looking down at her hands in her lap. Sara shook her head no out of the corner of her eye.

"No," Sara sighed deeply. It's me, Tegan. I'm the problem."

At this statement, Tegan swung her body around to face her sister directly. "What do you mean you're the problem?"

Sara lifted her eyes from the floor and turned to meet her sister's gaze. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes, and the warmth rising in her cheeks.

"Sara...," Tegan slipped her arms around Sara's thin shoulders and pulled her close, "Talk to me. I'm here, you know I'm always here for you."

Sara's body seemed to give in to the sadness and collapse against the older twins. Tegan felt Sara's head rest on her shoulder and the tears making warm, salty drops as they fell from her sister's eyes. She squeezed her tightly and let her sob quietly for a moment before pulling away to take Sara's face in her hands.

"Please, tell me. What's wrong? It can't be that bad, Sara. Please?" She used her thumbs to gently remove the tears from Sara's cheeks.

Sara's eyes fluttered close at the touch and she leaned her head gently to the side, into her sister's touch. Her whole body seemed to tremble. Her eyes opened again, glistening with tears as her hand took hold of one of Tegan's wrists.

"I love you, Tegan."

Tegan smiled warmly at her baby sister. "I love you too, Sara. You know that."

Sara's cheeks reddened and her eyes shot downward briefly before locking on her sister's once more. "No, Tegan...," she paused and sighed loudly, tears springing up again, "I think I'm _in _love with you." She choked on the last part of her statement, as if she were barely able to get the words out.

Tegan didn't remove her hands from Sara's face; instead they just sat there for a moment, eyes locked on each other. The tears began to spill over and slide slowly down Sara's cheeks, falling onto the fabric between them.

It felt like the world stood still. Tegan's heart was beating loudly enough, and fast enough that she felt sure the entire floor of the hotel could hear it. Her brain was processing at a mile a minute, trying to piece together what was just said. There was absolutely no denying that she shared a special bond with her sister, but this? She wasn't sure what this meant. She wasn't sure what was happening.

"Tegan, say something," Sara's voice trembled, "Please?"

Tegan opened her mouth to speak but no words emerged. She licked her lips and tried once more. Nothing. Sara's eyes watched the movement of her sister's mouth, cautiously. Tegan seemed frozen, with her hands still cupping Sara's face gently. Sara took this opportunity to lean forward, slowly, never looking away from Tegan's eyes. Tegan reacted by inching forward as well until their lips hovered over each other, barely touching. They seemed to dance this way for a moment, one not sure of the other's actions.

Tegan's hands brought her sister's face in the rest of the way and closed the gap between them. Their lips pressed against each other softly, tentatively. Sara's tears continued sliding down her cheeks, this time landing on the fullness of Tegan's face as well. Tegan let her right hand fall to her lap as her left hand slid behind Sara's neck. Their lips pressed together more firmly and Sara whimpered softly.

They parted from each other and slowly opened their eyes. Both looked at each other with a mixture of desire, fear, uncertainty and awe. Sara, encouraged by the fact that Tegan hadn't run away screaming yet, quickly slipped a hand behind her sister's head and brought her in hard and fast for another kiss. This time her tongue slipped from between her lips and traced the softness of her twins lips, begging for entrance. Tegan's mouth hungrily obliged and their tongues collided, sending shivers down Sara's body.

Sara gently bit on her sisters lower lip, leading Tegan to suck in her breath as she groaned loudly. Tegan met Sara's fierceness by pulling away from Sara's lips quickly. For a split second, Sara thought it was over-that was it, she'd really fucked up now. But her thoughts were quieted as she felt Tegan's lips meet with the curve of her neck. Tegan ravished her neck with a mix of soft and rough kisses, biting every few seconds and pausing to suck long enough to leave a mark. Sara moaned into her sisters ear, eyes closing, as she tangled her fingers in Tegan's hair.

Tegan left Sara's neck long enough to get in another rough, wet kiss. Sara's hand left Tegan's hair, slid down her back and snaked its way up under her t-shirt. Tegan jumped at the contact, but continued letting her tongue dance with her sister's open, groaning mouth. The older's hands found their way to the sash of Sara's robe and gave it a quick tug. It came loose easily, and Tegan's mouth left her sisters again to meet Sara's fantastic collar bones. Sara dug her nails into the warm skin of her sister as she felt teeth dragging across the bones of her body, biting, sucking, licking.

"Oh fuck," she spat out. Tegan giggled at that statement and maneuvered her way atop Sara's legs, straddling her thigh. Her hands traced across Sara's collar bone slowly, and slid underneath the white terrycloth robe, finding themselves cupping her twins breasts eagerly. The robe fell away and Tegan took a moment to revel in her sisters beauty. The angles of Sara's face, the curves of her body-they were all perfect.

"You're so beautiful," she whispered, meeting Sara's lips again. Sara's hands quickly slid themselves around Tegan's waist, slipping back under her t-shirt, lifting it up anxiously. Tegan got the hint and broke away to lift her arms above her head as Sara helped the shirt off. Sara let the shirt fall by the wayside and focused trailing her fingertips across Tegan's face and across her shoulders.

Tegan greeted her twin's body with adventurous finger tips as well, letting them slip down across Sara's naked hips. As Tegan's fingers slid over her thigh, she felt her breath hitch. She felt the warmth inside of her grow tremendously and that aching feeling suddenly appeared.

"I want you," Sara said, voice commanding, her hips rising off the ground in anticipation.

Tegan brought her lips down on Sara's swollen lips once again, urgently. Sara gasped as her twin's fingers moved to her stomach, sliding their way down with a painful slowness. Her fingers continued southward and rested against her, radiating heat. Tegan's mouth was aggressive and demanding, teasing her with playful nibbles on her lower lip. Her sister's mouth found it's way down to her neck once more, biting her roughly as she slipped a finger into her wetness. Sara moaned loudly, and brought her hips against Tegan's hand, wanting more.

Ever the doting sister, Tegan obliged, sliding a second finger inside of her slowly. Tegan's fingers curled, causing Sara's head to fall backwards, resting against the edge of the ceramic tub. Tegan could feel herself dripping against the fabric of her underwear and, as if Sara read her mind, she reached for the button on Tegan's pants frantically. Tegan's fingers left her twin's body momentarily as she did her best to shimmy out of her pants before resuming her position straddling her sisters thigh. Sara wasn't satisfied and quickly reached both arms around Tegan to unhook her bra. She tossed it to the side and immediately took Tegan's nipple into her mouth, sucking hard. Tegan gasped and ground her hips into Sara's thigh sharply.

Almost immediately, Tegan's fingers found their way back inside the younger twin, twisting and curling against her tightness. Sara watched her sister, so full of desire, so hungry for release. She snaked a hand between their bodies and Tegan's legs. She raised her hand and rand her middle finger over Tegan's clit slowly before pushing inside of her.

Groaning, Tegan paused in her movements inside her sister to grind against Sara's hand desperately. In moments they were moving together in motion, Tegan riding Sara's fingers as she worked her own fingers inside Sara..

Sensing the build up inside her twins body, Tegan let her fingers slide up to Sara's clit where she began circling in slow, deliberate movements. Sara's body began to shake, her breath growing louder and she felt another surge of her own fluid leaving her body at the demand of Sara's fingers. Sara matched her movements and let her thumb flutter quickly over Tegan's most sensitive spot, both of them groaning into each other's necks.

Tegan felt her forehead prickle with sweat and the sensation increased. Sara felt the backs of her knees tingle and a deep pressure form near her stomach. They groaned and writhed against each other with such intensity that it felt like this was the only moment that existed in time.

Sara came first, at the hand of her older twin, her body shaking as the pleasure rocked through her in waves. Tegan, even more turned on by witnessing this, immediately followed, her juices flowing over her sisters thigh and strong, skilled hand.

Their bodies came to a stop, jerking at the slightest touch. Tegan rested her forehead against Sara's, eyes closed and breathing heavily. They sat there in silence, glistening sweat covered identical bodies still pressed against each other.

"I love you too, Sara," Tegan whispered in the ear of her baby sister. "I've always loved you."


	6. Chapter 6

"Tegan! Sara! Are you in there?" a man's voice shouted, one fist pounding the door, the other twisting so he could check the time again. The girls both jumped, startled from their post-orgasm euphoria.

"Fuck," Sara squeaked out, "We were supposed to be on the bus already!" Her cheeks were still rosy and the dampness still present on her forehead. Tegan's eyes went wide as she seemed to realize they had to step back into reality.

"Grab your clothes, get dressed as fast as you can," she instructed as she hurried to stand and find her own clothing. "I'll stall, just hurry!," she slipped a shirt over her head and smoothed a hand across her hair quickly as she opened the door for a very frustrated tour manager.

"Tegan, what the hell?" he questioned glancing her over. He didn't normally worry about them getting involved with things other musicians sometimes did, but lately their behaviors were questionable.

"Sorry, sorry!" Tegan slipped passed him and into the hallway, closing the door behind her. "Sara overslept. I came to wake her up and...sorry, we're coming." He gave an exasperated sigh.

"Alright. We're an hour behind schedule already, I just hope we're not late to the show," he turned, prepared to walk away but turned back around.

"Are you wearing Sara's shirt?" he asked, noticing how snug the button down fit against the curves of her body. She looked down quickly, willing her cheeks not to flush.

"Yes. Yes, I am," she fidgeted with the hem, "she's having one of those days-hates all her clothes, ya know? So we swapped." That was believable, right? She eyed him nervously and exhaled a sigh of relief when he shrugged and walked down the hall.

She quickly spun around on her heels and was back inside the room in an instant.

"Sara, come on!" Tegan shouted through the closed bathroom door. At that moment, the knob turned and Sara swung open the door. How is she so composed in a moment like this? Unintentionally, her eyes made their way over Sara in full.

"Fuck, you look fantastic." Tegan's eyes rested on the deep V of Sara's simple t-shirt before shaking her stare loose and meeting her sister's eyes. Sara smiled, a full smile- a real smile. Tegan couldn't stop herself from grinning like a goof as they made their way back to the bus.

The bus was bustling with activity when they stepped on, stammering half-assed apologies for their tardiness to the rest of the band and crew. Ted sent Tegan a concerned look before she gave him a thumbs up, attempting to indicate Sara was okay. Sara picked up on this and gave her sister a loving glance before settling onto the end of the couch in the common area. Tegan watched her, her stillness, her composure, in the wake of...whatever it was that had just happened.

Tegan perched herself at the table where she could still catch a glimpse of Sara and focused on the world outside as the bus pulled away toward their next destination. She wondered briefly if she had possibly been hallucinating and it was all some strange dream. Maybe she'd had too much to drink the night before? No, that was impossible! She had gone to bed early!

She pulled her gaze inside the tinted windows of the bus and found herself watching Sara. She was always watching Sara. She watched casually as Sara's slender fingers slid over the pages of her latest book. Several moments passed before the younger twin slipped a hand inside her bag at her feet and pulled out a package of sour gummy worms. Tegan felt like her insides had been made of pudding as she realized it hadn't been a dream.

Sara remained in her same spot, curled up with a book for the majority of the trip while Tegan let her thoughts roam. What was Sara thinking? How did she feel about what they'd done? She glanced over at her sister again. She was met with a small smile on Sara's lips. Tegan grinned again and quickly looked away, out the window once again. She thought briefly about relocating to sit near Sara. She desperately wanted to know her thoughts. A nagging voice inside her told her not to. She listened and stayed put for fear of smothering her sibling.

Sara was always more independent and often times seemed to dislike being a twin. Their therapists words replayed in Tegan's ears as the white lines on the road blurred and disappeared. "You can't smother her, Tegan. You'll always be twins; she can't take that away from you- but you need to let her develop a sense of self outside of being your twin." She guessed she had always been happy with being a twin. It meant never being alone, it meant never having to fully form friendships on her own. Her insecurities ruled her and Sara was the greatest enabler. Without her, Tegan had struggled to find her own identity. If she didn't have Sara to measure herself against, she wasn't sure who she was.

Sara, however, had been eager to be alone, to explore and develop without Tegan. She couldn't deny that it had hurt her deeply once Sara had decided to move to Montreal. Even after all this time, she still found herself getting angry over it. She sighed loudly to herself. _A work in progress_, she thought.


	7. Chapter 7

The bus rumbled onward for hundreds of miles before grinding to a halt outside of a glass paned, luxurious looking hotel. Tegan yawned and stretched her stiff arms as she glanced around the cabin of the bus and caught a quick look out the window. Ahh, New York City. Slowly, the passengers of the bus began to bustle about plucking up their belongings in preparation for the several night stay. They were to play two shows in Manhattan with a day off in between; Tegan was grateful. She enjoyed days off the most in cities she was familiar with.

Tegan made her way towards Sara, who was slinging a heavy bag over her shoulder while juggling a bottle of water, a book and an open bag of gummy worms.

"Need some help?"

"I got it. But thank you." She smiled and waited politely for Tegan to lead them both towards the bus door. The sun shone bright against the cement, sending Tegan's hand directly up to shield her eyes as she set foot off the bus.

"Is this where we're staying?" She paused and surveyed the building. "It looks expensive."

"It is," Sara laughed, "It was my request. I love the Cooper Square hotel. The penthouse is amazing."

"And you would know this, how?" Tegan felt herself fluster a moment. Since when did Sara know so much about expensive hotels and penthouse suites?

"Research, Tegan. Research." They headed inside with their bags and made their way to the check in counter. "I wanted to stay somewhere nice on my day off," she explained.

They were shown their rooms, along the 7th floor—boys on the left, girls on the right. They'd always preferred it that way so they didn't have to continually ask each other what their room numbers were. Nothing like having a band-mate knock on your door at three a.m. when they intended it for the person down the hall.

"See you in two hours for soundcheck, right?" Tegan asked. Sara nodded and Tegan closed the door to her room behind her. She decided she had plenty of time to shower, unpack and get ready for the show tonight. It wasn't always lucky enough that they had extra time before shows, so when they did, she was relieved.

Soundcheck went off without a hitch. There was an excitement in the air; being back in New York, and playing at the Bowery Ballroom was always a fun night. They headed back to the hotel afterward.

"I need you guys downstairs at seven. The show starts at 8pm and you'll be on at 9," they were informed by their manager. Everyone nodded and dispersed their separate ways. The boys generally went out for food during this time while the girls usually did their best to catch up on much needed rest.

Tegan wanted to stay away and process the events of the morning over and over before she approached Sara with questions. She wanted to rest assured in every detail, every moment in her mind. Sara's body, her eyes, her touch, her warmth- she was swimming in it; her body was paralyzed as she thought it over.

Sara found herself unable to sleep, despite the soft, plush king size bed in her room. She lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling dissecting the events that had led her to the actions she made this morning. I thought I had this under control… I wasn't supposed to tell her anything. Tegan hadn't reacted the way she had anticipated when she had so freely told her how she felt, thanks to that bottle of red wine the night before. She had been prepared for a fight, for a verbal berating of the worst kind, for name calling and storming out of the room. She had not been prepared for Tegan to kiss her back softly and cup her face to wipe her tears. She had wanted it many, many times but told herself for the longest time that it could not, should not, and would not happen.

For the first time in months, she felt a nagging in her stomach—butterflies, uncertainty, nervousness? She was nervous for this show. She hadn't talked to Tegan about anything and surprisingly, Tegan had not attacked her for information either. In any other situation, Tegan would have clung to her until she gave some sort of indication of what it meant. Sara new exactly how Tegan would be feeling and it made her feel no better for what she'd done.

The show was uneventful, thankfully. It was an easy show with a calm crowd that wasn't overly aggressive toward them. Much to both girls surprise, they didn't have any trouble finding words for each other between songs. Tegan had desperately been afraid that Sara would have been completely silent and forced her to carry the show once again, but she wasn't. Sara even seemed, dare she think it, happy? She seemed to fall into the music, be absorbed in it, and emerge from each song refreshed and grinning at Tegan. They played a short encore set and called it a night. The buzz in the van on the way back to the hotel was fantastic, Tegan thought. She felt electric. She felt alive.

The consensus was that the show was too good not to have a drink afterward. The boys were rowdy and still pumped full of adrenaline and Tegan couldn't deny she felt the same way. She agreed and looked to Sara for her input. "I'll pass, I think," she said quietly, but still smiling.

"Aww, Sara, why?" Tegan made a face and did her best to pout.

"Nice face. I don't know, I just don't feel like going out—I want to stay in and just relax."

The boys meandered toward the door, questioning the concierge about the best place for a beer within walking distance. They were always careful to immediately distance themselves when they thought their might be a disagreement about to happen. Nobody wanted to get brought into it and asked to take sides.

"Come on, Saraaaa, please? Come with us? Just one drink?" Tegan jutted her lip out and batted her eyelashes. "I'll buy!"

Sara laughed, "We make the same amount of money you dink. And, no; thank you, but I'm just not up to it."

Tegan shrugged and turned toward the boys near the front door.

"But hey, come by my room when you get back—ya know, if it's not like four a.m." Tegan grinned and nodded. Sara watched as they excited the building and made their way down the street. She waited until they turned the corner before she went to the elevator. She smiled to herself as she pressed the button and waited for the doors to ding open.

She passed the seventh floor without stopping, removing herself from her position of leaning against the wall only when the elevator dinged for the twelfth floor. The doors slid open to reveal a small hallway, decorated with sleek, modern furniture. She made her way to the single door at the end of the hall and swiped her key.

The room was big enough to be a small studio apartment and had the most magnificent view of the Manhattan skyline she'd ever been able to afford in a hotel room. She had splurged on this room and no one knew it yet. She'd only done this once or twice before—upgrading her room quietly either before or as they were checking in. Sometimes, she just wanted a little more space, or a better view. Sometimes, she just wanted to isolate herself as much as possible. It was a necessary evil she figured, given that at any moment she was surrounded by ten to fifteen people or more. She could relax here.

Tegan and the boys made their way to McSorley's Old Ale House on East Seventh and settled in a booth in the back, ordering a round of drinks as soon as they waitress came over. They clinked their bottles and congratulated each other on a great show, without any technical difficulties, drama, punches or unruly fans—it was a rare occasion to not have a single incident.

Tegan took a long gulp out of her bottle and raised it once again, "And one for Sara!"

The boys followed suit, "For Sara!"

Meanwhile, Sara showered in the luxurious, cave-like shower that had three shower heads on each of its walls. It was one of the reasons she wanted this penthouse. It was like having a waterfall spraying on you from each direction and it felt fantastic. She stayed in the shower much longer than she really needed to, enjoying the way the water played against her skin and how it felt to not have one side of her body be neglected while the other side was being rinsed.

She toweled off and wrapped herself up in the fluffy robe provided by the hotel before settling in on the chaise lounge with a book. She tried to get lost in it so as to forget the time. She didn't want to be waiting up for Tegan for hours, but she couldn't focus enough to read the words and make sense of them. Her mind kept drifting back to this morning. They'd really done it. It seemed so final when she thought about it. It felt thrilling to remember the details until she remembered that Tegan was her sister, her twin, her family and then she felt the pangs of guilt kick in. She couldn't come up with a single reason to justify it if necessary. They'd never been separated more than a week or two at summer camp. It's not like they were fraternal twins, separated at birth that met thirty years later and fell in love. No, it wasn't like that at all.

To her surprise, her phone beeped about an hour and half later with a message from Tegan.

| 12:05am: _Leaving the bar now. Still want me to come by?_

She waited a few minutes before responding. She didn't want to seem desperate or too eager to see her sister.

|12:17am: _Yes_.

She could tell how many drinks Tegan usually had by how poorly her spelling was in her text messages—on nights when she stayed gone for hours, the messages were cryptic word puzzles with varying capital letters and symbols, but tonight everything was correct so she figured Tegan was (thankfully), still sober.

Thirty minutes later, her phone rang causing her to jump.

"Hello?"

"Sara! I'm here, why aren't you answering the door?"

"Oh! I forgot. Get back on the elevator…"

"Huh? Why?"

"I booked the penthouse."

"Oh, shit."

"Twelfth floor. Come on up."

Tegan made her way back to the elevator, hitting the button quickly and crossing her arms. What the hell does she need a penthouse for? Does she think she's Beyonce suddenly?

The doors opened and she cautiously entered the hallway, strolling to the door at the end of the hall. She raised her hand to knock but then realized there was a door bell to the left of the door. A doorbell. In a hotel. She shook her head and pressed it.

Sara appeared momentarily, opening the door and letting Tegan pass her. Tegan's eyes went wide looking around the room.

"You have a circular couch… and a doorbell! What the fuck Sara? Are you turning in to a diva or something?"

"Calm down, Tee," Sara said quietly, "I paid for this on my personal card. I'm not using the band's money."

Tegan turned to look at her. "Oh… well, what for?"

Sara shrugged and closed the door. "Just want some space, I guess." She walked over to the windows lining the entire corner of the room, "besides, look at this view!"

Tegan followed her and peered around at the hundred eighty degree view of the Manhattan skyline.

"This is incredible…," she trailed off. It had been dark for hours, but the city still shined—lights twinkling here and there, like little dots of life.

"Look Sara, those lights dance around like you do on stage!" Tegan giggled and looked up at Sara, who was now blushing. "Aww, it's okay! Don't be embarrassed. It's really kinda cute when you do that…"

Sara couldn't keep the flush out of her cheeks, but managed to smile anyway before looking down at her feet.

"I should go change," she whispered, turning away from the window.

Tegan reached out for Sara's hand quickly. "It's okay… you don't have to…"

She paused and turned to meet Tegan's gaze. They stayed that way for a few moments before Tegan looked away and glanced around the room. She hadn't noticed the candles on the tables before, or that the only light on was the lamp near the chaise lounge in the corner. She planned this…

The stain in Sara's cheeks told Tegan the truth without her having to ask.

"Sara… are you sure… about _this_?"

Sara swallowed any uncertainty she had at that moment. She'd waited this long, and so far she was getting the response she had least expected. She smiled at Tegan, softly, mischievously and reached her hand out to her left and yanked the cord on the lamp. The room went dark with the exception of the candles glowing on the tables about the room and the lights of the city outside the glass.

Tegan's heart fluttered and caught in her throat momentarily as she let go of Sara's hand. She glanced around the room, finding shapes in the dark and familiarizing herself with the room. Sara took a small step closer to her twin, already feeling the warmth of her body radiating toward her. She pulled the sash on her robe slowly, not looking away from Tegan's hazel eyes. She let the robe fall to the floor and stood perfectly still.

She figured, she had made the first move that morning and now she needed to know if Tegan was reacting to the situation, or if she was actually doing what she wanted. She guessed this was as good a way as any to figure it out. Her heart was heavy in her chest both excited at the potential outcome and fearful of being rejected by the one person she felt the closest to in the world.

It only took Tegan a second to take in Sara's body from head to toe and close the gap between them. She approached Sara the same way she approached the microphone on stage—heart thumping, head twisted ever so slightly to the side and careful not to come with such force to knock the mic stand over. Tegan found her lips in the dim light as if they'd done this countless times. Their lips parted. Their tongues danced. Sara licked her bottom lip. She counteracted and bit the younger's lip roughly.

Tegan was shaking. Her face was a mixture of expressions—flushed and full of longing, her pupils dilated and her breathing was labored; but she looked uncertain, and slightly scared. One time, they could possibly write off as a mistake, a bad choice—but twice, that showed intent, desire, want.

Sara cupped Tegan's face, making sure she was looking directly into her eyes. "I want this. I want you…." Sara's voice was husky and low, her breath shaky.

Tegan didn't wait another second.

Her hands gripped Sara's hips and pushed her toward the window, urging her gently to turn around. Sara did slowly and looked out over the city, her back to her sister only moments before she felt Tegan's hands on her again. She watched their faint reflections in the glass, unable to ignore their similarities, as Tegan slid her hands up and down Sara's arms, lightly. Tegan traced her fingers over the back of Sara's neck and across her shoulders, sending chills up and down Sara's spine. Tegan's fingers traced down over the spine of her back, down toward her hips where she gripped them firmly once again. Sara pressed both of her hands against the cool glass and closed her eyes, allowing Tegan to fully explore her body. Tegan slipped a hand around her waist, flattening her palm against Sara's stomach and letting her other hand give Sara a gentle push against her shoulder. Sara's eyes opened, meeting Tegan's fiery hazel eyes in the reflection. She resisted momentarily and allowed herself to bend forward, slowly—her eyes never leaving her sisters gaze in the window.

Tegan's hand once again grazed down her back, pausing to slide over the curve of her ass cheek before slipping between her legs. She let one finger slip inside of Sara, nudging her legs further apart. Tegan explored her body for a moment before adding a second digit and pressing deep into her, curving her fingers, causing Sara to let out a moan her damp hands becoming slippery against the glass. Sara's body pushed back against Tegan's skilled fingers, desperate for more. Tegan's breathing was quick, and her body ached to the core just from seeing Sara like this.

Sara whimpered once she felt Tegan's fingers withdraw from her warmth, but found herself being spun around quickly, this time with her back side being pressed up against the glass. She opened her eyes, expecting Tegan to be only inches from her; instead, Tegan was already planting kisses down the front of her body.

She nipped playfully down her stomach, steadily inching onto her knees as Sara watched in wonder. Tegan's tongue was on her instantly, lapping at her.

"Oh, fuck…" She didn't mean to let that slip out, but it only seemed to motivate the elder twin. Tegan was flicking her tongue furiously over her, in such perfect rhythm. Sara rested a hand in Tegan's hair, the feeling of her moving up and down driving Sara even closer to the edge. Sara felt her insides twist in the most delicious way. Tegan was relentless and didn't miss a beat. Sara felt a hand slip under her knee being nudged upward; Sara opened her eyes and watched in awe at Tegan working her magic, allowing her slender leg to slip over Tegan's shoulder as requested.

Tegan quickly slipped a finger inside her once again, immediately following it up with a second. Sara groaned loudly, throwing her head back against the glass.

"Oh, Christ, Tegan…" she panted, her face flushed beyond belief; her legs were sure to collapse soon, she was sure of it. She could feel Tegan's grin against her skin, breaking her rhythm only for that second before continuing. Tegan slid her free hand up Sara's other thigh, grazing her nails down the sensitive skin.

It was Sara's turn to shake. She shook violently against Tegan's relentless tongue, her fluids coursing through her body like lava before they ended up running down her legs, into Tegan's mouth and down the front of Tegan's favorite shirt. Sara released her grip on Tegan's hair slowly, as she opened her eyes and made her best attempt to keep standing. Tegan grinned up at her, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

Sara watched as Tegan stood, her body pressing close to hers still and allowed her twin to wrap both arms around her tightly, burying her face in Sara's neck.

"Please don't let me wake up," Tegan whispered. Sara's heart melted instantly and so did her balance. They both giggled at her still shaking legs.

"I've never had that happen before," Sara laughed.

Tegan winked at her playfully. "Want me to carry you?"

"I think you may have to or I'm just going to be a puddle on the floor."

Tegan flashed a grin and flexed her 'muscles', giggling insanely, as she put an arm around Sara's shoulder and one behind both of her shaky legs and scooped her up. "See! I told you it was good that I started working out!"

They laughed even harder as Tegan miscalculated a step, landing both of them on the giant bed with a thud.

"Oh my god, I'm so thirsty," Sara whined.

"Let's order room service!" Tegan grinned and most definitely did not bounce up and down at the idea.

Sara laughed, slipping under the covers as Tegan swiped the menu from the night table. "I'm starving, fuck. How about waffles?"

Sara nodded eagerly. "With whipped cream please!"

Tegan wiggled an eyebrow at her, "Hmmm, okay I see your whipped cream and I will raise you…strawberries…hand me the phone!"

An hour later, full of waffles, whipped cream and strawberries they had collapsed from exhaustion. Sara tucked carefully under Tegan's protective arm, she slept as Tegan watched her before drifting off to sleep herself.


	8. Chapter 8

The morning sun shone brightly through the open wall of windows; Sara could feel the warmth of its rays on her face, emerging slowly from her peaceful slumber as she shifted her naked body and stretched her arms above her head. She shifted once again, careful not to jostle Tegan's arm still resting lightly against her hip. Looking over Tegan's face, she wondered just how this was going to change things. It was an odd feeling she had—feeling content, warm, wanted, needed and yet terrified.

Tegan's eyes fluttered open slowly, squinting against the rays of light filtering over the two of their entwined bodies. She smiled. Sara had never been able to resist her sister, not in any of their endeavors in life—she backed out of plans to attend a university to pursue a music career with Tegan, she spent seemingly endless amounts of time on the road because touring is what Tegan loved best and all because of that smile. That big, bright smile from ear to ear, and those eyes that shown with such intensity, passion and insecurity. They had never been able to hide anything from each other and for the last two years, Sara had struggled with keeping the first secret from her twin. She didn't have to do that anymore and it felt like a sweet relief having that weight off of her chest.

"Morning," Tegan whispered, slipping her arm from Sara's still naked hip up around her stomach and pulling her close.

It had taken them years to get over their 'no touching' policy with each other. She had figured Tegan out many years ago—before Emy, before Jen and before they'd become this successful. It ate at her insides every day for years, fueling songs, tears, and fights. She'd seen the signs for years. It had only been in these last few years that Sara had been able to really digest it and wrap her head around it. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else in the world and she knew that. But something between the two of them… it had always really been this way, they just hadn't let it manifest itself physically before.

"Hi," Sara whispered back. She smiled, noting the angles of the light on Tegan's face. She looked radiant. "You have morning breath!" Sara pushed her away with a soft, playful push which only caused Tegan to attack her face with exaggerated kisses.

"Ewwww, ewww! Tegan go brush your teeth!"

"You have stinky breath too!"

"Ok, well I guess we're getting up then," Sara groaned, tossing the covers aside and sitting up slowly, feigning agitation.

She was met with Tegan's strong arms being wrapped around her body and pulling her back down toward the pillows. "Not to fast! Nobody says we have to kiss on the mouth," she said with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

"Well, that is true…," Sara smirked, turning onto her side to face her twin. "I could just kiss you here…" Her voice trailed off as she lifted Tegan's hand, entwined their fingers and kissed it softly.

"Mmmhm, yeah that's an okay place…" Tegan grinned.

"Or maybe here is better?" Sara shifted closer, nudging Tegan back on to her back and kissing her jaw. "Oh, gross, Tee, you smell like a bar—why did you sleep in your clothes?!"

Tegan made a face. "You weren't complaining last night. In fact, I seem to remember a few 'oh fuck's and a few 'mmm, Teeeegan's!" She propped herself up on her elbows and smirked. "But I guess I could take them off now."

"I think that'd be a good choice, maybe I can help?" Sara had a twinkle in her eye and was steadily biting her bottom lip. Tegan grinned, quickly loosening the buttons down her mid-section, and letting the shirt hang open. Sara wasted no time finding the button on Tegan's jeans before giving them a tug downward over her hips. Tegan, still on her elbows, lifted herself up enough to assist in getting the jeans off; her eyes remaining glued to Sara.

Sara slipped a leg over Tegan's hips and paused for a moment to take it all in.

"You are so fucking hot, Tegan. I mean that."

Her sister's face flushed intensely as she averted her eyes for a moment before taking in the image of Sara straddling her. Sara slid her hands up Tegan's open shirt, dragging her nails roughly down her stomach before slipping the shirt off her shoulders. Tegan sat up, closing the gap between them and letting the shirt slip off onto the bed. Sara slid her fingers through Tegan's hair, carelessly. Tegan's eyes fluttered closed and slipped both arms around Sara's thin frame. She leaned in to Sara's chest, pressing her face against her and holding her tightly.

"How did you know, Sara?" It came out as a whisper, barely audible against the warmth of Sara's skin.

"I've known for years, Tegan… You've never been able to hide anything from me, you know that." Sara's fingers trailed down the back of Tegan's neck and slipped around her shoulders before pulling her into a hug.

"What will this do to us? The band? The label? Our friends, family… what happens now?" Tegan's voice cracked as Sara pulled away gently. "It doesn't feel like we can do this and still have any of those things. I don't want to choose."

Sara stroked Tegan's face, pushing the tears sliding down her cheeks aside. "I don't want to choose either. We won't. This career is your dream, your baby—it's what you've worked for since you were a teenager, I won't let this get in the way."

"So what then? What do we do?" She didn't know what to do herself. She just knew she hated seeing Tegan like this.

"I'm not sure yet," she spoke softly, sliding off her sisters lap to sit beside her. Tegan wrapped her arms around her shoulders, resting her head on her shoulder and began to sob.

"I love you, Sara. I really love you." The tears were warm, sliding down Tegan's cheeks and landing in soft splashes against Sara's bare shoulders.

"I love you too, Tegan." They sat there, suspended in time, pondering what the future could possibly hold for either of them.

Tegan pulled away long enough to reach for a box of tissues on the bed stand and began to dab at her eyes. "Fuck! What about Lindsey? I can't…Sara, I can't stay with her. I can't fake it anymore. Not after all this!"

A deep sigh escaped from Sara's body and it felt like the weight was returning to her chest. "I guess let's just take it one day at a time. See what happens…"

Tegan sniffed loudly, wiping at her nose. "You don't want me to break up with her?" she sounded incredulous.

"You can't," Sara spoke firmly. "We're in the middle of a tour, she's working for us—that would just be another Emy situation. We can't do that right now. Besides, don't you two get along fine?"

"I mean, she's nice. I worked really hard to get her attention and now I've got it and…I don't know—it's not the same. She's not you."

Sara turned to her sister and slipped her hands in Tegan's. "Just try to make things seem as normal as possible? Just for a little while? We've got to figure out a plan or something, okay? So this doesn't explode in our faces."

Tegan nodded and Sara gave her hands a squeeze. "Things are going to be different between us, ya know? Someone is bound to notice."

"Just act natural. Be yourself. We're sisters. We're supposed to be close and be friends. It makes sense for us to be together all the time as is. Just work with what we've got, okay? We'll figure it out, Tegan. I promise."

"Okay," Tegan sighed. They sat in silence for several moments. They didn't need to speak, really. They were back on the same page now and Tegan knew every thought in Sara's head, and Sara knew every thought in hers.

"We can do it," Sara gave her a reassuring smile.

"I know," Tegan sniffed again, pulling away to wipe her nose. "We still have a whole day off…" she looked up with hopeful eyes. "Can we do something together? Just us today?"

"I'd love that." Sara leaned in to give Tegan a hug and held her close for a few moments, relishing in the fact that they no longer had to pretend they didn't want to touch each other.


End file.
